Going though the motions

Sometimes I am here, but feel so there

There, where my child is

There, where I can hold that little hand

There, where I can fall to my knees in praise

There, but still here

Here, going through the motions

Here, putting on a smile

Here, with my heart there

and it hurts

 

I find myself sitting here again tonight in a daze, in a funk, and in doubt.  Adoption isn’t for the weak.  I usually think of myself as a strong person, but tonight am feeling very weak.  Can I really take 9-12 more months of this?  Can I?  Deep down I know I can and I know I will.  Sometimes I want to give up.  Sometimes I wonder if He thinks I am stronger than I really am.  Sometimes I just wish I was carrying my child like most people do.  I wish being united with MY child didn’t involve so many other people, so many strangers.  I can wish all I want.  It won’t change anything.  It’s time to buck up and dust myself off. 

I will endure. I will hold my head up.  I will walk to the ends of the earth to bring my child home.  

 

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One thought on “Going though the motions

  1. Hey Sarah!
    I just wanted to check in with you guys and tell you to keep the faith! It can be hard to wait, and I agree that it is a strange feeling that this seemingly intimate parent-child relationship involves so many others. It will be great to tell our children though, how so many people helped to bring them home. We have an older woman who notarizes our documents, and she is so excited to hear good news from us, for instance. Other times I think that people don’t care if they are taking forever and ever to get a paper for us, and that is frustrating, but I know we can do it!
    Thinking of you!
    Beth (Pete and Theo)

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