Sometimes I am here, but feel so there
There, where my child is
There, where I can hold that little hand
There, where I can fall to my knees in praise
There, but still here
Here, going through the motions
Here, putting on a smile
Here, with my heart there
and it hurts
I find myself sitting here again tonight in a daze, in a funk, and in doubt. Adoption isn’t for the weak. I usually think of myself as a strong person, but tonight am feeling very weak. Can I really take 9-12 more months of this? Can I? Deep down I know I can and I know I will. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes I wonder if He thinks I am stronger than I really am. Sometimes I just wish I was carrying my child like most people do. I wish being united with MY child didn’t involve so many other people, so many strangers. I can wish all I want. It won’t change anything. It’s time to buck up and dust myself off.
I will endure. I will hold my head up. I will walk to the ends of the earth to bring my child home.