Failure

Before I even begin, let me say this is not woe is me.  This is not pat me on the back and tell me that I’m great.  It’s not.  This is my outlet.  It is my expression.  It is my comfort…sometimes. Sometimes the blog really just opens me up to scrutiny and judgment from others.  Sometimes I want to hide every word I’ve written from the internet.  I put myself out there and with that comes a price.  Sometimes I wish I could pick and chose who reads this.  Sometimes I think of password protecting my blog so that I can pick and chose.  Sometimes I use the word sometimes too much.  This blogging thing takes guts.  My feelings and emotions are exposed for anyone to see.  Well, Sarah, you don’t have to blog and you certainly don’t have to be so open.  Duh.  I don’t have to, but I chose to anyway.  When I lay it all out there I am relieved.  I sigh a deep breath.  Then, I step out the four walls of my house and wonder oh, sh– (Keeping it real once more.  I swear every now and then.) did YOU, who I am now face to face with, read about aldkjfasdkf that I posted last night?  Did you read about me not being truly, madly, deeply in love and here I am telling you that everything is fine and dandy?  Do I need to retract my words or ramble on to explain how things have changed?  Do you know that I wouldn’t open myself up like that to you normally.  I wouldn’t.  I would never tell you many of the things I write about here.  You might call it hiding behind a computer screen.  That’s cool.  In a way I do.  I don’t even expose my innermost thoughts, feelings, and struggles with my own mother.  For some reason I can here.  Can’t I?  Maybe not.  Will I ever learn the delicate balance between blogging for myself and strangers that I won’t need to recoil from, and all of those that know me IRL (in real life for those without blogging lingo) and get a one way intimate connection with me?  How will I share enough to satisfy my own enjoyment in blogging without sharing too much ? Should I make the blog all fluff?  Can I politely ask that you and you and you forget all about this little webpage nothinglefttopaint.com?  Do you know how I feel knowing that I invited all of you here?   I asked you be a part of our adoption.  I even begged you all for money.  I hope I don’t come across as ungrateful.  I promise you I’m not!  I didn’t realize when I went into this whole blogging thing the baggage that it can come with.  I didn’t realize how much I needed the blog for myself.  I didn’t realize how much I have inside me that feels so much better once it is out.

And oh boy. This post is titled Failure.  That’s what it is.  I started in one direction and went another.  It was supposed to be about all the ways I am feeling like a failure tonight and how we are all redeemed by God no matter what.  For once I didn’t feel comfortable placing my fingers on the keys and typing it out for everyone who drops by to see.  Maybe this sidetracked rambling was His way of confirming once more that I am loved and will always be regardless of my shortcomings.

Peace out.

Sarah Signature

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6 thoughts on “Failure

  1. I feel like that a lot! I am always second guessing how honest to be. I normally pull back. I am trying to do better about transparency. Today was one of those post for me. I have felt really weird about sharing because so many I know are struggling through stages. I sometimes feel guilty because Zalen is doing so well. Isn’t that confusing?! I am thankful for your blog… because it makes me feel less alone and sometimes you give a voice to an emotion I didn’t even know I was feeling until I read it.

  2. Hi Sarah. I too, stumbled across your blog while my husband and I were exploring adoption options. Your candid writing was so comforting to me- I can not tell you how much I have appreciated all that you have shared. You helped us ask the right questions of prospective adoption agencies, and choose the one we KNOW is right for us. You also helped us reconsider adopting from the Congo, and for that, I will forever be grateful. This blog is a big reason why we moved forward with more research, and why we decided to adopt two siblings.

    Do what you know in your heart, you need to do. But please, please, please NEVER doubt the good that you did on this blog.

    And, please send me an email whenever you need encouragement!

  3. You go girl! Live and experience the freedom Christ died to give you. In your ‘truthfulness’ people are set free.
    Anne in San Francisco
    Mom of 4 daughters, Pastors wife, expecting Joela (3) from the Congo sometime this fall!

  4. Sarah,
    I have been reading your blog ever since I stumbled on it during a “Congo adoption blog” search and I haven’t commented until now. I just want you to know that I have really appreciated your honesty and I have found it very comforting during our adoption process (we have been matched with a nearly 2 year old little girl in the Congo) and I’m sure it will take on even more meaning once our little girl comes home! 🙂
    Try not to be too hard on yourself as you blog…I’ve actually left a lot of face to face conversations with people believing that I have probably overshared, but usually it’s mostly in my head…usually! 🙂 That’s just part of being a little vulnerable and that tends to resonate the most with people. At least that’s what I’ve found. I hope that encourages you!
    God bless!

  5. Sarah, your words are beautiful, always. Blogs are tricky, Iremember asking your advice months ago on whether or not to start one, you told me all the good, bad, and ugly. When i started mine i wanted to do just that, share all of it. You have inspired! I have struggled just this past weekend with sharing and what is too much, i tried to ralley the troops to help me bring home another waiting child. I thought it would be easy as i have only had 1 fundraising yard sale for the adoption of my little girl. It wasn’t and it’s not going to work and now I wish i could take it back but, i can’t. It.s real life, real time and your real feelings. Honest and heartfelt, always. Keep doin’ your thing lady, you own it.

  6. I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your blog and your openness. I know it isn’t easy, but hearing about all the ups and downs has helped prepare my heart and head in a way I wouldn’t be able to if you weren’t completely honest. The Lord is working through you to help so many other adoptive mamas out there. Thanks for opening your heart to us.

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