Before I even begin, let me say this is not woe is me. This is not pat me on the back and tell me that I’m great. It’s not. This is my outlet. It is my expression. It is my comfort…sometimes. Sometimes the blog really just opens me up to scrutiny and judgment from others. Sometimes I want to hide every word I’ve written from the internet. I put myself out there and with that comes a price. Sometimes I wish I could pick and chose who reads this. Sometimes I think of password protecting my blog so that I can pick and chose. Sometimes I use the word sometimes too much. This blogging thing takes guts. My feelings and emotions are exposed for anyone to see. Well, Sarah, you don’t have to blog and you certainly don’t have to be so open. Duh. I don’t have to, but I chose to anyway. When I lay it all out there I am relieved. I sigh a deep breath. Then, I step out the four walls of my house and wonder oh, sh– (Keeping it real once more. I swear every now and then.) did YOU, who I am now face to face with, read about aldkjfasdkf that I posted last night? Did you read about me not being truly, madly, deeply in love and here I am telling you that everything is fine and dandy? Do I need to retract my words or ramble on to explain how things have changed? Do you know that I wouldn’t open myself up like that to you normally. I wouldn’t. I would never tell you many of the things I write about here. You might call it hiding behind a computer screen. That’s cool. In a way I do. I don’t even expose my innermost thoughts, feelings, and struggles with my own mother. For some reason I can here. Can’t I? Maybe not. Will I ever learn the delicate balance between blogging for myself and strangers that I won’t need to recoil from, and all of those that know me IRL (in real life for those without blogging lingo) and get a one way intimate connection with me? How will I share enough to satisfy my own enjoyment in blogging without sharing too much ? Should I make the blog all fluff? Can I politely ask that you and you and you forget all about this little webpage nothinglefttopaint.com? Do you know how I feel knowing that I invited all of you here? I asked you be a part of our adoption. I even begged you all for money. I hope I don’t come across as ungrateful. I promise you I’m not! I didn’t realize when I went into this whole blogging thing the baggage that it can come with. I didn’t realize how much I needed the blog for myself. I didn’t realize how much I have inside me that feels so much better once it is out.
And oh boy. This post is titled Failure. That’s what it is. I started in one direction and went another. It was supposed to be about all the ways I am feeling like a failure tonight and how we are all redeemed by God no matter what. For once I didn’t feel comfortable placing my fingers on the keys and typing it out for everyone who drops by to see. Maybe this sidetracked rambling was His way of confirming once more that I am loved and will always be regardless of my shortcomings.