Giving him all my heart

I’m kinda all over the place these days with lots o’ stuff.  Such is the stage of life sometimes.  One huge thing that has me pulled in all different directions is this adoption.  Just when I fall into a good rhythm I am sent spinning.

Since the day I laid my eyes on Little A for the first time, I have worked to build a barrier around my heart to keep it from being hurt.  Now knowing the reality of international adoption (especially adoption from Congo) and the chance that A might not come home to us has made me feel as if I have to work to prevent potential heartbreak. I’ve shared before that we really try to limit how much we talk about him.  I’ve shared that we haven’t done anything to prepare for him coming home.  I wrote about not letting myself become attached.  I’ve even told you that I am not looking at him as if he is my son.

I realized that that isn’t fair.  He deserves more from me.

There is a song I hear often on the radio called All of Me by Matt Hammitt.  If you listen to KLOVE I’m sure you know just the one I’m talking about.  Jeff likes to joke that they play the same songs every 12 minutes.  Anyway, it was written about his son when a severe heart defect was discovered before he was born and he was given a slim chance for survival. The lyrics of the song hit home with me.

ALL OF ME

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I’m so close
To what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I’ll start
I won’t let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

I’m gonna love my boy.  I’m gonna call him my son.  I’m gonna give him ALL OF ME.

He might not truly get to feel my love while on the other side of the world, but I could be the only one out there loving him from afar.  I could be all he has.  He deserves his mommy’s love.  He is going to get it.  I will dream of him running around wild here.  I will begin to brace myself for the craziness that our family is apt to turn in to considering Odette’s spunk and the spitfire that he looks to be. I will pray more fervently than ever that he be mine.

The reality remains that this could end in heartache.  I will not build a wall to prevent it.  If for some reason he doesn’t join our family I will grieve the loss.  Maybe my role is simply to love him for a time.  I am going to be ok with that.  But I will love him.  If I am to wipe tears from my eyes, I will do it honorably.  His life has already been more painful than I could even begin to understand.  How can I expect him to bear all the burden?

Little A, you’re worth it.  You’re worth all of me.

Sarah Signature

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Giving him all my heart

  1. I agree completely! I came to the conclusion that I have to do this adoption with my whole heart. Otherwise it’s like being pregnant and the whole time expecting a stillbirth. Neither doubt nor fear will hinder my prayers for our daughter. Beautiful post.

  2. Sarah,

    I appreciated your post about guarding your heart and I appreciate this one even more.

    I am just a PAP still waiting for a referral, but I think there is truth in both posts.

    Go ahead and LOVE your son, Little A, as much as you can while at the same time know that He is God’s in and His hands.

  3. This brought tears to my eyes. No one could have written it even a tiny bit better. It couldn’t have been more pure or moving

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s