It’s an ugly beast

I’m not sure about you, but I have always compared myself to others.  Jealousy has been a part of my life for a very long time.  Embarrassing to admit to the world wide web, but I will.  I remember even back when I was no more than about 5, I begged my mom for a teddy bear sweatshirt.  It seemed as if EVERYBODY had one so I needed one, too.

It went on to be Lisa Frank folders, trapper keepers, and pump shoes (tell me you remember those!).  I just needed to have them all to fit in and be the cool kid.  If one of my friends got their hair permed or highlighted I had to be next.  In junior high I made my mom track down a patent leather mini backpack purse because my two popular, pretty friends had one and I was sure that if I had one I would be a popular, pretty girl.

You would think that now that I have rolled the big three-oh that I would be way beyond comparing myself to others and evaluating my worth based on them.  Oh, how I wish.

I have come to learn that as a mom I have only gotten so much worse at trying to keep up with the Joneses.  Ugh.  Jealousy is such an ugly beast.  Some days I feel like I am the worst mom on the face of the planet.  Some days I wonder how I will have enough energy for another kid.  Some days I feel like all the other moms have it all together while I am such a mess.  My kid is loved, clothed, fed, bathed, schooled, and it seems like that’s about all.  There’s summer camps, piano lessons, dance classes, organic eating, hair braiding, natural remedies, play groups, book clubs, reading lessons, nature excursions, art classes, blah blah blah.  I just don’t know how they do it.  Did someone drop off a Super Mom 101 book on those moms’ doorsteps?  If so, they missed my house.  (or maybe I was too busy reading How to Parent Your Internationally Adopted Child, The Connected Child, or various other adoption books)  I admit that I am hard on myself, as most of us probably are, but I didn’t expect parenting to be so complicated.  Granted, I know it doesn’t really have to be that way.  I know that I am the one putting the pressure on myself, but still.  It.stinks.

From the outside looking in I see perfection.

When really, why do I even look?

I am going to challenge myself to let myself be enough.  I will be satisfied with who I am, what I’m doing, and how I’m doing it.  I am going to try my best to stop playing the game of who’s who. I will hold my head up high and not allow myself to knock it down.

Well, I’m gonna try at least. Who knows.

I did see that Guess jeans are making a comeback.



5 thoughts on “It’s an ugly beast

  1. Hi! I was wondering if you would share the story of how you told Odette about A? I remember in another post you said that this would be a post on its own! I hope you are all well and enjoying the start of Spring!! Have a wonderful weekend 🙂

  2. My kids were the ones in the neighborhood that were only allowed to do 1 activity and other than that they went out and played! They had to find something to do with their friends! Their life and mine was not scheduled! We went to the library once a week and that was about it! They believe now that they both had a great childhood and are raising their children the same way! Remember, its what your child feel – love- that is all that matters!

  3. Hello,
    I just stumbled upon your blog. We are a Catholic family with three biological sons. We are feeling called to adopt and are looking into Congo as our country. We have read that families can’t have more than two children at home. The agency that we have been communicating with has said that they have placed with bigger families like ours before. Is it even possible? Should we stay away from this agency? Perhaps a Congo child is not God’s will for us. 😦
    Your daughter is beautiful!! God is Good!!
    Robyn Costello
    from Utah

    • It is very true that many families have adopted from Congo with more than 2 children. It is my understanding that different areas of Congo have judges that are more lenient than others. I would say to research agencies. If you aren’t on the Congo Adoption Families Facebook page, I would highly recommend it. You can get a lot of feedback about specific agencies there. Best of luck!! Congo has many children in need of forever families.

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