How I do it

Over the course of the last few months, as things have begun to look more and more uncertain about our adoption, I have been asked numerous times how I do it. Many have told me that they wouldn’t be able to hold it together. I almost laugh when I hear that because I don’t always hold it together. I’ve wept. I’ve complained. I’ve worried. I’ve been a bear (just ask Jeff). But throughout the entire time I have never lost my trust. I trust that God has a plan for me, for us, for my family, and for A. I don’t see it. I don’t get it. I don’t need to.

I know that Christ will not forsake me. He will always be here for me. I am not alone. I never will be alone. With God my hope is found.

How can I be so sure that God has not forgotten about me? How can I rest knowing that the beautiful and perfect plan is in His hands? Let me share my growing burden of proof.

On April 15th, the Lord took back one of His most courageous angels into His kingdom. My grandmother. My grandma. Or my grammy as I called her when I was little. She was my rock. She was my compass. She encouraged me. She humbled me. She was with me for every accomplishment and milestone. She was my role model. I looked up to her with the strongest desire to be just like her someday. She was my everything.

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When my grandma passed away I was completely lost. I didn’t know what to do. I knew she was dancing away in heaven and I rejoiced for her. I knew her suffering that I watched in her last days on earth was over. But what I didn’t know was how I could go on without sharing my life with her.

But just as He always does, God gave me hope when I needed it most. It was just a week after I kissed my grandma goodbye for the last time that I saw the two pink lines telling me that I was pregnant. Before my mind even went holy crap, I knew that our baby was a girl. I can’t really explain. I just knew. My heart could feel that while I was devastated over the loss of the most incredible lady I had ever known, that there was another incredible little lady growing within me. It won’t be quite the same, as instead of learning from her, she will be learning from me. The responsibility that I feel to uphold and pass along all that I gained from my grandma is mighty. But I know that God wouldn’t put me up to the task if I wasn’t capable.

So on those days when I really struggle with not knowing if A will be coming home, all the while trying to prepare my home and family for a new baby, I throw my hands up to Him. In Him my hope is found. He has not abandoned me. He won’t abandon me. May His will be done. If the road is long, hard, bumpy, or even excruciating, heartbreaking, loss-filled, He is with me.

How do I do it? HE does it. I learned to let His will be done.

The words of Lift My Life Up by Unspoken say it so well.

You brought me this far
So why would I question you now
You have provided
So why would I start to doubt
I’ve never been stranded
Abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I’m giving you control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
Have your way in me

If peace is a river
Then let it sweep over me
I’m under fire
I know it’s refining me
When I hear you calling out
I follow now wherever the road may go
I know you’re leading me home

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me

Have your way in me

Take my life and let it be all for you
Take my life and let it be all for you

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way with me
Have your way with me

Take my life and let it be all for you

Sarah Signature

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